Phil Collins
Music scholars and pop culture experts agree that few people have dominated a decade like Phil Collins did in the 1980's. During that time, Phil was a non-stop hit machine and a majority of his output — both with Genesis and as a solo artist — was awesome. Despite his commercial success and legions of fans, there were people that couldn’t stand Phil Collins. I call those people morons. But when I took a closer look at some of his songs from that era, I made a startling discovery that nobody hated Phil Collins more than the women he loved.
(Click on a title to hear the full song.)
"Misunderstanding" (1980)
Phil starts off with bad news and it keeps going downhill from there. To start, his date is late and he’s stuck in the rain waiting for her. Then he realizes that she stood him up. Ouch. Then he admits to partaking in some minor stalking by calling her repeatedly and driving by her house. And what is his reward for that behavior? He gets to see some other guy walk out of the girl’s house after (presumably) a night of hot and heavy hanky-panky. For her to lead poor Phil on like that is just ice cold. No one deserves to be treated like that — and certainly not Phil.
"No Reply At All" (1981)
Phil is subjected to the dreaded silent treatment. “Look at me, you never look at me/Ooh, I’ve been sitting, staring, seems so long/But you’re looking through me/Like I wasn’t here at all/No reply, there’s no reply at all.” Unfortunately for Phil, it's only going to get worse.
"I Don't Care Anymore" (1982)
Phil reaches a breaking point and stands up to his girlfriend's bullying. She won't stop "dragging his name all over the place," so he finally breaks up with her. Just think about how badly she had to treat him to make a sad sack like Phil be the one to end the relationship. Everyone knows that Phil Collins doesn’t dump. He GETS dumped. That’s his thing.
"That's All" (1983)
Phil’s got another doozy on his hands, and this one likes to bicker. Let's let Phil explain: “I could say ‘day,’ and you would say ‘night’/Tell me it’s black when I know that it’s white.” He knows that this isn’t healthy, but he can’t help himself. Phil's learned to like the abuse.
"Easy Lover" (1984)
Phil is in yet another relationship with a woman who treats him like shit. His buddy Phillip Bailey knows where this is headed and tries to warn him: “She will play around and leave you/Leave you and deceive you/Better forget it/Or you’ll regret it.” But does Phil listen? Fuck no.
"Against All Odds" (1984)
Phil managed to find himself a girlfriend who finally sees him for the catch that he is: “You’re the only one who really knew me at all.” Yet she’s still walking away from him. Not only that, but she won’t even let him down gently: “I wish I could make you turn around/turn around and see me cry.” She won’t even turn around? When the whole song is Phil pleading for her to just look at him, you know he’s dealing with someone who couldn’t care less about his feelings.
"One More Night" (1985)
Phil is pleading with a woman he loves to give him a chance to tell her how he feels. By now, Phil is so beaten down that he realizes that his efforts will be fruitless: “I know there’ll never be a time when you’ll feel the same/And I know it’s only words/But if you change your mind you know that I’ll be here/And maybe we both can learn.” This lady thinks so little of him, that Phil can’t even fathom that she would ever think of him the same way he thinks of her. It is becoming apparent that Phil has given up hope on being in a loving and healthy relationship. Now he’s just settling for small victories like extending the length of his relationship by 12 hours or, failing that, getting the woman he loves to turn around and look at him while he cries.
"Sussudio" (1985)
And the women in Phil's life have finally driven him to speak jibberish. This song is about Phil crushing on a girl who doesn’t know who the hell he is. Which is weird, because in 1985 Phil was pretty fucking famous. How did she not even know his name? I wouldn’t date someone now — 30 years after his career apex — if she didn’t know who Phil Collins was and didn't enjoy his music. If this woman who Phil fancies has never heard of him, then that means that she either has horrible taste in music, has been in a coma, or is mentally challenged. All three of those should be deal-breakers for not only Phil, but for all of us.
"Take Me Home" (1985)
Phil’s family had him committed and put in a mental hospital. This is an act of love when the person being committed is actually insane or unstable. However, when the person is sane enough to write such a kick ass song as this one, and is only sent away because his friends and family have had their fill of listening to Phil whine about his failed relationships, then it's just mean. And pretty drastic.
"Invisible Touch" (1986)
“She don’t like losing, to her it’s still a game/And though she will mess up your life/You’ll want her just the same…” Okay, maybe Phil is insane. Is Phil drawn to manipulative women or is there something about Phil that makes normal women become mean and abusive once they get to know him? I don't think we'll ever know.
"Throwing It All Away" (1986)
Well the title pretty much says it all, doesn’t it? Yet again, somebody is breaking up with Phil and willing to throw everything away just to end the relationship. Listening to all of these songs, one would think Phil is like the abusive husband from “Sleeping with the Enemy” or something. Seriously, being in a relationship with Phil couldn’t have been that bad. I mean, even though he's getting dumped, he's still worried about his soon-to-be-ex: “Who will light up the darkness? Who will hold your hand? Who will find you the answers when you don’t understand?” The apparent answer to all three of those questions is “I don’t give a shit,” because she still ends up leaving him, driving Phil to hurl the empty threat that “someday (she’ll) be sorry.”
"Something Happened on the Way to Heaven" (1989)
After ten years of abuse, Phil begins hating himself as much as everyone he’s ever dated hates him: “We’ve had our problems, but I’m on your side.” He’s actually taking the side of the latest woman who has grown sick of him and left. This song also hints that Phil may play a bigger role in these break-ups than we thought: “You can run, and you can hide, but I’m not leaving unless you come with me.” Hey, Phil? Just a quick FYI: It isn’t considered leaving if you’re still in the presence of the person who wants you out of their sight.
So, what have we learned?
If nothing else we've learned that Phil Collins is not just a lover — he's also a fighter. He suffered years of humiliation and heartache from a variety of women, but was able to turn that pain into hit records for our listening pleasure. All of us should be thankful that we had Phil Collins in our lives in the 1980's and that he had such horrible and cruel women in his. It's a testament to his creative genius that his work has endured for so long and has become a significant part of the soundtrack of our lives.
Whether we're driving to work while wallowing over a break-up, picking up milk and bread at the grocery store or waiting for a cleaning at the dentist's office, Phil Collins's songs remind us to be grateful that the daily tribulations we endure don't come close to the bullshit that he's had to overcome.
